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SIPPING VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" ..
12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
The Origination of this letter is unknown.
I want a guy that's sensitive and caring, and that loves cats. Unfortunately, most guys like that are gay.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving definitely isn't for you.
If at first you don't succeed, then you didn't do it right!
There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
To successfully keep robbers out of your house put six locks on your door. When you go out, lock every other one. No matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a stinkin' fool about it.
National Atheism Day: April 1st
Reality is a big, nasty, vicious dragon, but I don't believe in dragons.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
There are only three kinds of people; people who can count and people who can't.
To talk without thinking is to shoot without aiming.
No problem is so big and complicated that it can't be ran away from.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
15 Things You Probably Never Thought About
(an email i got)
15 Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About
1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living........
8. You are special and unique.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.
Send this phrase to the people you'll never forget and remember to send it also to the person that sent it to you. It's a short message to let them know that you'll never forget them. If you don't send it to anyone, it means you're in a hurry and that you've forgot your friends. Take the time... to live and love. If you do so, You will certainly brighten someone's day and might change their perspective on life, for the better.
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