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Diet for Stress:
Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk
Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon Snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce
Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars
Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)
Rules for This Diet:
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don''t count if you do not eat
more than they do.
Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate,
brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are
part of the entertainment package and not part of one''s personal fuel.
Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
Cookie pieces contain no calories. (The process of breaking causes calorie
leakage.)
Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples
are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to
gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
Anything consumed from someone else''s plate has no calories since the
calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)
REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS
DESSERTS
Fun Quotes:
Just cause your not paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you!
Its worse than you think, they ARE out to get you!
Did u know ur smart?
smart as a cucumber on wheels!
It's not "When Wild Animals Attack!"
It's more like "When Stupid People Get Bit!"
When the officer says: "Gee son you're eyes look red have you been drinking? respond: Gee officer your eyes looks glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?
They say a picture is worth a thousond words,
but when I looked at yours, I couldn't say anything!
This isnt burger king and u cant have it ur way
I'm not ignoring you, you're just insignificant!
THAT WAS SOOOOO 5 SECONDS AGO!
I try not to let school interfere with my social life
I knew the something was wrong when my imagonary friends would not play with me
I'm not crazy!!... Im a teen!!
You're just jealous cuz the little voices talk to me
Don't fight with guys. They've got nothing to loose!
Everyones entitled to be stupid but you are abusing the priviledge
I ran up the door, closed the stairs, said my pajamas, and put on my prayers. Turned off the bed, and hopped into the light, all because you kissed me good night
Heaven won't have me and hells afraid i'll take over!
Im an angel! Honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo up straight
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful! Hate me because your man thinks I am!
I dont need your attitude, I have one of my own
The next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water
It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it
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M&Mz |
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An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man
always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies, "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's." |
Aw this is great! Go bunnies! Top 10 Party Games for People Over 60
1. Sag! You're it!
2. Pin the toupee on the bald guy.
3. Twenty questions shouted in your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket.
5. Red rover, red rover, the nurse says bens over.
6. Doc, doc, goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Musical recliners.
9. Spin the bottle of Mylanta.
10. Hide and go pee!
Special Napkins
My mother taught me to read when I was three years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, told me that those were for "special occasions." Now fast forward a few months....It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!! My mother asked me why I used there and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!!!" Take time to laugh; it's the music of the soul. A merry heart doeth good like a medicine, but a broken spirit dirt the bones. Proverbs 17:22
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Then it's not really a yard sale, is it?
Photographed by Bud Turner in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. |
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Yesyouare!
The Amigone family operates several funeral homes
in and around Buffalo, New York.
Photo courtesy of Carmen S. Garrison. |
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Does this mean that the...
Buffalo Bills have won the Super Bowl?
Chicago Cubs have won the World Series?
(Pick your team & the event they'll win when hell freezes over.)
Hell, Michigan. |
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Not everyone likes it that cold!
London area automobile air conditioning business. |
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It's a good deal, but... oh, the college costs!
Roanoke, Virginia. The Babies & Children store's motto is, "Dressing babies and children from head to toe from newborn to preteen." |
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Everything you need for your "shotgun" wedding!
Located in Windsor, Maine. Hussey's slogan is,
"If we don't have it, you don't need it."
Thanks to Jess, a proud resident of Windsor. |
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Let's go. We'll have a ball!
Based on a web search, Testicle Festivals seem
to be most popular in Montana. This photo was
taken by Rob Strain near Omaha, Nebraska. |
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How do you get there from here?
Peekskill, New York. Photo courtesy of Jimmy Requa. |
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I don't think I saw that one. |
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Promoting AUTO-erotism?
Hermosa Beach, California. Photo by Christoph. |
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Little extreme. |
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I think I'll keep driving! |
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If you say so!
In Independence, Missouri. |
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Sometimes a name change is the best idea... |
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Well...that's ONE way to get some attention... |
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"CAUTION: CROCODILE
EATING HANDICAPPED
MAN AT BOTTOM OF HILL" |
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Major dilemma in California.
Your choices are College of the Siskiyous or "downtown" Weed. |
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??? McLogic gone wrong... |
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No "Keep Off the Grass" signs here!
In Kansasville, Wisconsin. Named for Maj. Richard I. Bong,
Ace Pilot of WWII, who gave his life for his country. |
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Of all the names to pick...
Bung History: Note that a bunghole is the hole in a cask, keg,
or barrel through which liquid is poured in or drained out. |
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SINGLE, BROWN, KANGAROO, VERY MALE, SEEKS SINGLE, FEMALE KANGAROO TO HOP AROUND, MAKE KANGAROO BABIES AND SHARE GREEN BUSHES. HOBBIES INCLUDE HOPPING, CHEWING ON GREEN STUFF AND HOPPING. AGE NOT IMPORTANT. MUST BE A KANGAROO, ENJOY HOPPING AND GREEN STUFF. SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY. |
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Going Postal?
In Phoenix, Arizona. |
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Leave your soul at the front gate, please.
Near New Hartford, Connecticut. |
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What part of ONLY don't they understand?
In Kansas City, Missouri.
Photo courtesy of Bud Turner. |
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Pork, the one you love?
This was a Sask Pork (The Saskatchewan
Pork Industry) ad campaign in Canada. |
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Enough said... |
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We is educated... |
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I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned....
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned....
That it's those small da ily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned...
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
I've learned...
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned...
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned...
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned...
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned...
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
I've learned...
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned...
That life is to! ugh, but I'm tougher.
I've learned...
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned...
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned...
That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.
I've learned...
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned...
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned...
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
I've learned...
That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned...
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned...
That it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
I've learned...
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
50 Things to Make You Feel Good Think about them one at a time BEFORE going on to the next one...it does make you feel goodespecially the thought at the end. 1. Falling in love. 2. Laughing so hard your face hurts. 3. A hot shower. 4. No lines at the supermarket. 5. A special glance. 6. Getting mail. 7. Taking a drive on a pretty road. 8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio. 9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside. 10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer. 11. Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price. 12. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla!) (or strawberry) 13. A long distance phone call. 14. A bubble bath. 15. Giggling. 16. A good conversation. 17 The beach. 18. Finding a 20 note in your coat from last winter. 19. Laughing at yourself. 20. Midnight phone calls that last for hours. 21. Running through sprinklers. 22. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all. 23. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful. 24. Laughing at an inside joke. 25. Friends. 26. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you. 27. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep. 28. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner). 29. Making new friends or spending time with old ones. 30. Playing with a new puppy. 31. Having someone play with your hair. 32. Sweet dreams. 33. Hot chocolate. 34. Road trips with friends. 35. Swinging on swings. 36. Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking your favorite tipple. 37. Song lyrics printed inside your new CD so you can sing along without feeling stupid. 38. Going to a really good concert. 39. Making eye contact with a cute stranger. 40. Winning a really competitive game. 41. Making chocolate chip cookies. 42. Having your friends send you homemade cookies. 43. Spending time with close friends. 44. Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends. 45. Holding hands with someone you care about. 46. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change. 47. Riding the best roller coasters over and over. 48. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you. 49. Watching the sunrise. 50. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day. Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly. |
My Fourteen Favorite Girls!!
Firstly, I want all of you to know that I love u to death
its hard for me to only pick 14 gals to send this to, so consider yourself
lucky ... or is it not lucky?
If I dont get this back I understand
I have a game for you.
This game has been played since 1977.
Once you read this letter,
you must send it to 14 females
within five days.
On the fifth day,
HE (the male of your choice)
will either ask you out,
or say "I love you."
Please send this to 14 females.
It has worked for years.
Good luck!
NOW MAKE A WISH ON YOUR GUY!
*. * ((¨¨`°v°´¨¨)) *.·*.·¸
*? * ((_.^._)) *?*-;-*`·
~~~Wish~~~
*. * ((¨¨`°v°´¨¨)) *.·*.·¸
*? * ((_.^._)) *?*-;-*`·
~~~Wish~~~
*. * ((¨¨`°v°´¨¨)) *.·*.·¸
*? * ((_.^._)) *?*-;-*`·
~~~Wish~~~
*. * ((¨¨`°v°´¨¨)) *.·*.·¸
*? * ((_.^._)) *?*-;-*`·
~~~Wish~~~
*. * ((¨¨`°v°´¨¨)) *.·*.·¸
*? * ((_.^._)) *?*-;-*`·
~~~Wish~~~
*. * ((¨¨`°v°´¨¨)) *.·*.·¸
*? * ((_.^._)) *?*-;-*`·
~~~Wish~~~
*. * ((¨¨`°v°´¨¨)) *.·*.·¸
*? * ((_.^._)) *?*-;-*`·
~~~Wish~~~
*. * ((¨¨`°v°´¨¨)) *.·*.·¸
*? * ((_.^._)) *?*-;-*`·
~~~Wish~~~
*. * ((¨¨`°v°´¨¨)) *.·*.·¸
*? * ((_.^._)) *?*-;-*`·
~~~Wish~~~
*. * ((¨¨`°v°´¨¨)) *.·*.·¸
*? * ((_.^._)) *?*-;-*`·
~~~Wish~~~
*. * ((¨¨`°v°´¨¨)) *.·*.·¸
*? * ((_.^._)) *?*-;-*`·
~~~Wish~~~
*. * ((¨¨`°v°´¨¨)) *.·*.·¸
*? * ((_.^._)) *?*-;-*`·
~~~OK NOW STOP! ~~~
Now send this to 14 females!
******************************
(Man I really hope I get this back if I sent it to u cuz if u dont send it back then YOU are NOT my homegirl anymore...!!!! but i love ya'll to death!!!...bye)
One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people can be. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
 On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?" "It was great, Dad." "Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked. "Oh Yeah" said the son. "So what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father. The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
 We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them." With this the boy's father was speechless. Then his son added, "Thanks dad for showing me how poor we are."
~~15 Ways to be Annoying ~~
1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will
take until your free refills cost money.
2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a ''spider person.''
4) When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: ''Don't let him in! He's the killer!''
5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.
6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: ''I hope I fixed it this
time.''
7) Beep when a large person backs up.
8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the ''little men.''
9) Insist on making inanimate objects ''dance''
10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a in less than 19 seconds.
12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.
13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.
14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.
15) Insist that life is ''one big musical,'' then try to prove your
theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.
~~40 Things Never Said By Southerners~~
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
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~~25 Fun Pool Activities ~~
1. Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.
2. Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people kind of almost drown today.
3. Ask people if they have seen your pet shark. 4. Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys. 5. Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.
6. Hit strangers with your flutter board.
7. Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.
8. Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ''Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....''
9. Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.
10. Swim near someone and go ''Shoot! I knew I shouldn't have had so much lemonade before I came here.''
11. Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.
12. Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ''HA-HA, fooled you!''
13. Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.
14. Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.
15. Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.
16. Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
17. Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
18. Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.
19. When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.
20. Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say ''Wheee! I'm Batman!'' while running around.
21. Hit strangers with your wet towel.
22. Throw people's things into the pool.
23. Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.
24. Play Marco-Polo by yourself.
25. Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately. |
~~The Reason Why I Fired My Secretary~~
Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday, and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say Good Morning, alone any Happy Birthday. I thought, Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, Good morning boss, Happy Birthday. And I felt a little better; someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me. I said, By George, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we? I said, No, I guess not. She said, Let's go to my apartment. After arriving at her apartment she said, Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.
Sure, I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing Happy Birthday and there on the couch I sat... naked.
~~Dragon Master~~
Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to kiss the beautiful Queen Guinevere's sensual lips. But he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague Horatio, who was the King's chief physician. Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes." Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.
The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching lotion and poured a little of it into the Queen's toothpaste. Soon after she brushed her teeth, the itching commenced and grew in intensity.
Upon being called to the royal chambers, Horatio told the King that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.
King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master and issued the imperial command. Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote to the itching lotion, which Horatio had given him, into his mouth and for the next four hours kissed the Queen passionately.
Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching lotion onto King Arthur's loincloth. And Michael the Dragon Master was again summoned by the King.
Moral of the story: Pay your bills
**Old Man and His Bride**
An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
"I've never been better," he replies, "I've got a new 18-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment, and then says,
"Well, let me tell you a story. A guy I know is an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But this one day, he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his rifle. So, he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle.
**BAM!**
The beaver falls dead in front of him."
"That's impossible," says the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have taken a shot at that beaver."
"My Point exactly!" The doctor says.
Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 - Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10 - Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree
Mar 21 - Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 - Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 - Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20 - Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 - Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 - Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 - Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 - Fig Tree
Jun 24 - Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25 - Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04 - Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Po plar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree
Sep 23 - Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree
Dec 22 - Beech Tree
Dec 23 to Dec 31 - Apple Tree
APPLE TREE (Love) - of slight build, lots of charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant aura, flirtatious, adventurous, sensitive, always in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, scientific talents, lives for today, a carefree philosopher with imagination.
ASH TREE (Ambition) - uncommonly attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play ! with fate , can be egotistic, very reliable and trustworthy, faithful and prudent lover, sometimes brains rule over the heart, but takes partnership very seriously.
BEECH TREE (Creative) - has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.)
BIRCH TREE (Inspiration) - vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly, pretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.
CEDAR TREE (Confidence) - of rare beauty, knows how to adapt, likes luxury, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, determined, impatient, likes to impress others, many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waiting for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.
CHESTNUT TREE (Honesty) - of unusual beauty, does not want to impress, well-developed sense of justice, vivacious, interested, a born diplomat, but irritates easily and sensitive in company, often due to a lack of self confidence, acts sometimes superior, feels not understood, loves only once, has difficulties in finding a partner.
CYPRESS TREE (Faithfulness) - strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give, content, optimistic, craves money and acknowledgment, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered, unruly, pedantic, and careless.
ELM TREE (Noble-Minded) - pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, loudest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.
FIG TREE (Sensibility) - very strong, a bit self-willed, independent, does not allow contradiction or arguments, loves life, its family, children and animals, a bit of a social butterfly, good sense of humour, likes idleness and laziness, of practical talent and intelligence.
FIR TREE (Mysterious) - extraordinary taste, dignity, sophisticated, loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to them, rather modest, very ambitious, talented, industrious, uncontested lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable.
HAZELNUT TREE (Extraordinary) - charming, undemanding, very understanding, knows how to make an impression, active fighter for social cause, popular, moody, and capricious lover, honest, and tolerant partner, precise sense of judgment.
HORNBEAM TREE (Good Taste) - of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual l overs, is seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.
LIME TREE (Doubt) - accepts what life dishes out in a composed way, hates fighting, stress, and labor, dislikes laziness and idleness, soft and relenting, makes sacrifices for friends, many talents but not tenacious enough to make them blossom, often wailing and complaining, very jealous but loyal.
MAPLE TREE (Independent) - no ordinary person, full of imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.
OAK TREE (Brave) - robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.
OLIVE TREE (Wisdom) - loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, toleran t, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.
PINE TREE (Particular) - loves agreeable company, very robust, knows how to make life comfortable, very active, natural, good companion, firm but friendly, falls easily in love but its passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, everything disappointments until it finds its ideal, trustworthy, practical.
POPLAR TREE (Uncertainty) - looks very decorative, not very self-confident, only courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.
ROWAN TREE (Sensitivity) - full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.
WALNUT TREE (Passion) - unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromise.
WEEPING WILLOW (Melancholy) - beautiful but full of melancholy, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful and tasteful, loves to travel, dreamer, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with, demanding, good intuition, suffers in love but finds! sometimes an anchoring partner
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
Who died and made YOU Darth Vader?
Too many freaks, not enough circus's!
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!
I was an atheist until I realized I was GOD.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you!
Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
All stressed out and nobody to choke!
Your village called, they are missing an idiot! How about never? is never good for you?
Do they ever shut up on your planet.
WHAT IS THIS? BIZARROLAND??
Me no here. Me go bye. Leave me message. Me reply.
"Suicide Hotline...please hold."
Hellooo....Hellloooo, well if you won't talk to me maybe you'll talk to this machine, it's at home and I'm not, leave a message and it'll give it to me when I return.
Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I should die before I wake, remember to erase the tape.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. " beep " Hello. I am Nicole's answering machine. What are you?
"Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
Hi. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. So start talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
Hi! Nicole's answering machine is broken. This is her refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
Hi, I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell...
Every rose has its thorn.
For all the mean things I might have said.
I'm Sorry...
For all the things I did or didn't do.
I'm Sorry...
If I ever ignored you.
I'm Sorry...
If I ever made you feel bad or put you down.
I'm Sorry...
If I ever thought I was bigger or better than you.
I LuvYou...
Don't ever forget that! Through bad times and good,
I'll always be here for you.
I am Sorry...
For everything wrong I've ever done.
I'm writing this because what if tomorrow never comes?
What if you never get to say good-bye or give a BIG hug to the people you care about?
What if you never get to say I'm sorry or I love you?
Because what if tomorrow never comes?
I LUV YOU
FRIENDS ALWAYS
Including Me!
"A good friend is hard to find, hard to lose, and impossible to forget..."
"Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say."
"Never kiss a friend. If you have deeper feelings, never reveal them. You will lose that friend forever..."
"I'd like to be the sort of friend that you have been to me. I'd like to be the help that you've been always glad to be; I'd like to mean as much to you each minute of the day, as you have meant, old friend of mine, to me along the way."
"A friend is someone who reaches for your hand, but touches your heart."
"Most people come into our lives and quickly leave. It is the special few that come in and leave a footprint in our hearts. and we are forever changed."
"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman, were sitting
naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American
pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him
questioningly. "That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under
the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm
to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I
have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low-tech, but not to be outdone, he decided
he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna
and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper
hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at
him. The Irishman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm
getting a fax." >>
~ ''I'm Stupid'' Signs ~
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. Said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."
~ 10 Ways to Annoy Cops ~
1. Say, "Damn, officer, you must have been going fast to keep up with me!"
2. When he approaches you, stare at his gut and say, "Hmmm. I thought cops had to be physically fit."
3. Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from projectile vomiting.
4. Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.
5. Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to fetch it.
6. Ask him if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.
7. Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but decided to graduate high school instead.
8. When he asks you to walk the line, "Riverdance" instead.
9. Instead of pleading the 5th amendment, plead the 13th or 16th.
10. When he asks for your license, say, "Oh sure, officer, can you hold me beer for a sec?"
Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty in Law, But Arent!
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He's one hard judge!
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?
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